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| Individual living |
| Sunday, June 28, 2009 |
Earlier we had joint families where we had grandparents, parents, uncles and their families, unmarried aunts; and lots of siblings, cousins and nephews. Then people started moving out, living with their wife and children. Also people started having lesser no. of children, ideally 2. The concept of nuclear family came with an average size of 4 people. Today we’re drifting further apart. Most children are working outside after finishing college. The concept of shared apartments and live-ins are quickly catching pace. People are also marrying late so major part of the 20s is spent either in hostels, company guest houses or shared apartments. Even after marriage, people tend to live in a separate place from their parents. And then there’re the extreme cases where even the married couple are forced to live in separate cities because of work and the children go to a boarding school. Joint families gave way to nuclear families. What do we have next? Individual living a long long time later? Labels: Thoughts |
posted by sonik @ 6:30 PM   |
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| Cursed and trapped! |
| Tuesday, June 02, 2009 |
I hate myself. I hate myself for not being able to express myself, I hate myself for being trapped in a person who is not me, trapped in a group where I just stick out sorely or am totally ignored. Sometimes I feel God made me without a planned, maybe He was confused Himself.
I hate for being a girl and not being as emotional and sensitive as a girl is supposed to be. I was reading my scrapbook and many people have said that I’m a strong and tough person and they admire this quality in me. I hate the words tough and strong. Being strong means people would never care for you. “Oh she’s bold, she can manage it alone”, “Oh she’s cool, she won’t mind it”. Gosh! I’m not cool, I do mind certain things. I’m not strong, I have my own insecurities and I too am vulnerable.
Sadly my problem is I carry this thick invisible wall around me so that people never know the real me. As much as I dread being left alone, I feel equally sick in company. If I crave to share my feelings with someone, I equally dread opening up to someone and being so vulnerable before him/her. What’s with these opposing forces within me that just torment me day in and day out? Why can’t I simply cry out and get over with it?
I see girls around me, how come every girl find a shoulder to cry upon? Why is every girl so beautiful and loved? And why do I end up being the cool buddy, “fun to hang out with” for guys and the “ideal strong woman” for girls? Why can’t I find one person at hand who wouldn’t make me feel ashamed to feel vulnerable and cry? For once I want to drop all pretensions and express what I feel.
When my father left me, I’d cry myself to sleep or cry in solitude. Yet whenever I’d meet friends I’d get into a cheerful mode. I hate that! No matter how hard I’d try to be sad or serious, my mind would turn into a stubborn cheerful mass, making me laugh and crack jokes. And when at nights I’d be alone in my room, I’d be myself and cry like hell. And when I do manage to shed a tear or two in front of someone, am lectured upon to be strong. Heck! I don’t want to be strong! For once I want to be held tightly, hugged and allowed to cry my heart out. Not for the sake of crying but for the assurance that someone cares for me.
Seems like I’ve a curse upon me. A curse that keeps the real me hidden away. No one really bothers or cares about it. And while girls around me find a shoulder to cry upon, I only live on tormented within but wearing that stupid unbreakable mask of coolness and strength.Labels: Thoughts |
| posted by sonik @ 10:58 AM |
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| Why do you worry? |
| Monday, May 04, 2009 |
Why do you worry?
I’m not yet a burden on you
You’re my dear girl
And I’ll always take care of you
Why do you worry?
I’ve taught you the ways of the world
I provided you the best education
I’ve ensured that nothing remains there
Why do you worry?
I may not have taught you everything
But I taught you to keep alive
Forever, the hunger for knowledge
Why do you worry?
You may be only a girl and weak
But I taught you to be mentally strong
And be able face all the troubles in life
Why do you worry?
I may not have left you a millionaire’s legacy
But I’ve taught you everything it takes
To earn and build a legacy of your own
Why do you worry?
I didn’t bear a son to protect you
But I won the love of enough people
To become one big family for you
Why do you worry?
I may not have given you a comfortable life always
But I taught you the attitude
To be happy & positive come what may
Why do you worry?
That I didn’t leave you instructions?
I lived my life as an example to you
You’re my daughter and you’ll know what to do
Why do you worry?
Why do you think you’re alone?
I taught you to be kind, honest and helpful
And the virtues to win true friends and true love
Why do you worry?
That you couldn’t do anything for me?
You’re my greatest joy and turned my dreams to reality
You’re the joy of my life
Why do you worry?
That you couldn’t give me things?
I’ve gone to a place where no grief or disease can touch me
You needn’t worry about me anymore
Why do you worry?
You’re my daughter and my son
I know you can take care of your mother
I know you won’t be helpless
Why do you worry?
Where I’m now, I’ll always watch you
I’ll watch you succeed in life and prosper
I’ll watch you lead a happy life
I’ll watch you fight your battles and overcome all sorrows
I’ll watch you get out of troubles yourself
I’ll watch you and know there’s nothing I didn’t do for you
I’ll watch you and bless you
Why do you worry?
I know this may sound like a badly written poem. But it’s written straight from the heart (though the feeling may have got lost in translation) and dedicated to my Father who passed away recently. He used to say these things when he was alive. Labels: Life, Poem |
| posted by sonik @ 6:28 PM |
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| Post# 102 |
| Sunday, March 15, 2009 |
“Why do you want to do an MBA?”
“What’re your alternative career plans?”
“What is your aim in life?”
“Why do you want to study in IIM when you can continue with Tata and get a chance to go to Harvard?”
I’ve been facing these questions during my interviews, either having to write down in forms or asked personally by the panel. And no matter how many times I come across these Qs, I’ve never been able to come up with a convincing answer; an answer that convinces me, that is. I mean, how many people are really clear about themselves and what they want to do with their lives? At least not me.
When I was in my final year, I wasn’t sure whether to study further or do a job. Till last year I was determined not to do an MBA and just yesterday I returned after giving my last IIM interview. If we go back in the past, then I wasn’t sure whether I should try to go to IIT (this was in Std. XI). In Std. XI wanted to study commerce just because everyone wanted science and I wanted to be different. So basically am quite unsure about my own life and choices. Its as if the choices fall in my path, or circumstances lead me to them. Whatever it is, its not because I was passionate for it. I wasn’t passionate for science, for IIT, for a job, for IIM. Gosh! Am I passionate for anything?
When I look at my friends I wonder how they know what they want in life. How did they know they wanted to do MS? Did they love studying so much? Or are they driven by a bigger goal? Of doing research or teaching or whatever people do after MS? How does my friend realize that he loves trading so much that he now wants a career in finance? And why am I still not sure whether I really love the automobile industry or the mfg sector in general? Love is a stronger word? But do I like it even?
Which leads me to yet another question that has often nagged me – “What do I want to do in life?” Basically I have never given it a serious thought. I’ve attempted to get an answer, many times. But often I wind up with the following points which most of you would find pessimistic:
1) Why the hell was I born? I definitely hadn’t asked for it!
2) Now that I was born, why couldn’t they simply program me with the purpose of my existence (just like they load computers with softwares) Life would have been easier that way.
3) Since I didn’t want to come down here in the first place, why do I have to work to survive?
4) Why wasn’t I born an animal with minimum basic instincts to survive? Personally I admire the rules of the animal kingdom – survival of the fittest, literally. And look at humans! Even failures and beggars live to a ripe old age. What crap! I mean why can’t losers drop dead? Then they wouldn’t have to bear the pain of the realization that they’re losers in life. Sensible no?
5) No matter how hard I try, I’ve realized I’m socially challenged. I lack proper communication, not that I can’t hold a conversation, but I definitely can’t sense emotions and all that. I’m that kind of person who won’t be able to do a thing if her best friend started crying or was in trouble (I can’t console people or show other emotions which people find pleasant).
There’re several such points which only drown me into further gloom and confusion. I mean, I definitely don’t see life as being beautiful, life is not God’s wonderful gift and I definitely see no reason why to cherish it. The gist is – how can I, who doesn’t understand the reason of life, make out what to do with it?
No amount of logical reasoning convinces me. In the end, the above mentioned points sit deep in my mind. I guess the best course would be to stop pondering over crap things like life and just do whatever comes to mind - be it good or bad. But then I was doing just that when the IIMs restarted it all. |
| posted by sonik @ 11:04 PM |
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| Tuesday, December 09, 2008 |
It’s funny how one makes a plan and then such unexpected developments come up that the whole planning goes haywire. But the fun part is coping up with those unexpected changes. And that’s what I’ve been doing ever since TML, Singur shut down.
I had given my CAT test centre in Kolkata, everyone in Small Car had done so. And after moving back to Pune, there was that eager wait for the admit card, with crossed fingers that it reaches in my hands safely during its twisted route from IIM-C to my parents at Ranchi to me. But where would I be, Pune or Kolkata? The card arrived at Ranchi so late that there was no time for getting the centre changed to Pune. So began the travel plans to Kolkata, how many days of leaves to take, fingers crossed again that my boss be kind enough to approve of my attempt to leave the company. Next decision: whether to take a train or flight, this considering whether I get a companion for the journey or whether I can afford the flight tickets (the miser I’m, I’ve a different definition of affording anything). Luckily I got company for both to and fro journey. Plus the high flying costs made even the 3rd AC tatkal reservation seem dirt cheap. Oh the bliss of earning money!
The train journey was fun. We reached Kolkata, checked in at hotels convenient to us. The test went I dunno how. The surprising thing is Kolkata seemed beautiful to me for the first time. I had always found it pathetic when faced with the prospect of having to live and work there. But now, when I was conveniently placed in Pune, I found Kolkata a very nice place.
The second change occurred at the workplace. It’s like dating and getting married. Initially the workplace seems all rosy and pretty good. One has high hopes and aspirations and great plans of the “future together”. But after a long period of familiarity, one gets to see the ugliness and the imperfections which lead to doubts and frustrations. I had thought of working another year, paying off my debts and then decide whether to study further. But now, out of sheer boredom I find myself desperate to escape back to the campus, debts or no debts. How one’s goals change so abruptly with current situations!
It’s that time of the year when I start feeling festive. I wait for this month the whole year, to spend Christmas with my family. The shopping’s done, the travel plan had begun, I was preparing the best opening line for yet another long leave, when I got the notice of having to move to UTK in 2 weeks. And just when I was coping with the first shock, the second came that I’d be going on a 10-day trip the very next day. Either I’m so important that I’m sent for work so urgently and immediately, or I’m so unimportant that no one cares to inform me about such tours where I’M INVOLVED.
So there goes my vacation, I’m going tomorrow. The gifts I bought can be couriered home. The laptop I had given for service will be delivered today. The tailor can wait. The camera that was supposed to be delivered around 29th will have to be redirected. It’s fun to see how things fall into place even under sudden change in plans. No wonder Tatas closed one plant to set it up elsewhere. It’s in our blood, you see!
My only solace is that there won’t be much celebration at home this year. No fetes, no gatherings, the Church won’t be decorated this year. This is in mourning for the victims of the Kandhmal violence. They’re still hiding in jungles to save their lives, while I may be put up at Ginger in UTK. In their comparison, my unexpected changes are very pleasant. |
| posted by sonik @ 12:08 PM |
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| Rediscovering relationships |
| Monday, November 24, 2008 |
My nephew:
I have a nephew only a few years younger to me. He and his younger sister are my favourites among all my nephews and nieces, partly because they’re only a few years younger to me, and partly because we’ve spent some of the best times of our childhood together.
Being the only child and very shy, I could never get comfortable with my cousins because I often had this feeling that they were one group comprising of their siblings, and I another group, and in no way could I ever be a part of them. But these two were different, they always made me feel like I was their own elder sister (but of course I hated being called ‘Aunty’ at the tender age of 7).
I remember looking forward to summer vacations, when cousins and nephews and nieces would come to Ranchi to visit their parents or grandparents, even great grandparents. These two would also come, and they’d specially come to my house to play with me. They’d bring their latest toys and video games and I never minded sharing my toys with them. Being a bit tomboyish, I loved playing with my nephew, more than with my niece, because girly games have never appealed to me much. So I and my nephew played everything from ‘Calvin and Hobbes’ style space voyages, to shooting plastic bottles with toy guns, to videogames, to cycling, to cricket. Thanks to my nephew, I spent lots of time playing cricket on the fields with boys. He was my companion in every wedding in the family, when we could spend the time chasing each other, or opening gifts, or doing the night-before-the-wedding preparations. During Christmas, we’d fire crackers together, the loudest and the most colourful bombs, bursting them near girls and ladies, catching them off their guard ; inside holes in the fields to check if a snake or a rat would come out; making noise to the irritation of all the elders in the house.
Another favourite game of ours was the “space voyage”. We had an old broken down military radio which was very big and had lots of controls. It was kept high on a shelf, along with other electronics junk – a picture tube, an ammeter, a soldering iron and paste, a box full of resistors and capacitors, old stripped off transformers......that shelf was the control panel of our “spaceship”, and a bed heaped with blankets served for our seats. Together we had spent many a hot summer’s afternoon perched on top of the blankets, tweaking at the old radio’s knobs, muttering out commands at each other, pretending to explore the universe, gunning down imaginary aliens, and then spend the evenings, describing our aliens to each other.
July monsoons turn nasty in Ranchi, it rains cats and dogs and it rains for several days without a break. Add to that bad roads and power cuts, and any housewife would dread having to host a birthday party in such weather. My mother had often told me it would be pointless giving a party because the guests would either be late or be unable to make it at all. For a child of 8, a small dinner at home just with the family sounds the most pathetic way to spend her birthday, but my nephew and his sister were always there to celebrate my birthday. And with those two, it felt much better than having a hoard of kids singing ‘Happy B’day’ while I cut the cake.
As we grew up, we became busier. Studies took their toll and we had no time to spend vacations in such a carefree manner. What with my extra classes and preparations for board exams, I had no time to play cricket. The old radio lay forgotten. School gave way to college, new people, new friends, and new thoughts. There was no time for nephews and nieces. Something else had happened, we had grown up. Teenage boys no longer play with their aunts; they go out with their teenage friends, guys. While I had fallen in love with my life, my nephew had fallen in love with bands and music and art. We got busy in our lives and rarely talked to each other. Something happens to guys when they grow up, they avoid their family members and relatives and love to spend all their living moments with their friends.
It would have been the same this time too, but I had to buy a hard drive and there was no one who could suggest me a good shop, than my nephew. As we shook hands formally (and we had always believed that one shook hands with distant people, not with one’s close people like father, mother, brothers, sisters, and each other). We talked about computers, accessories, my job, his band, my friends, his friends, my life, his life. And slowly it was like before, only this time he showed me his music collection, instead of toys and video games. We went to buy my hard drive, the space trip gave way to a car ride. And he drives very well. We went to a party later on, and just like old times, he was my companion in the occasion. We sat together, talking, not having to be pestered by old relatives and their uncomfortable questions. My short vacation was fun.Labels: Life |
| posted by sonik @ 2:49 PM |
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| Wednesday, October 22, 2008 |
I am back to Pune after a frustrating month of uncertainty in Kolkata. And I can't say that I'm back to square 1. It feels like even that square 1 progressed somewhere ahead of me.
When a college grad joins a company and becomes a part of a new project the following emotions run through his mind:
1) Excitement because of first job and the status change from a dependant student to an independant professional
2) The feeling of about to step into uncharted waters in the company
3) Excitement that he's a part of such a famous project
4) New found enthusiasm to do something groundbreaking in his own field (a sudden rush of patent applications from other depts. is partially responsible for this enthu)
5) Eagerness to get the work done quickly and witness a brand new plant emerge out of the blueprints
For the past 1 yr. I had similar feelings. But the uncertainty of when to move became unbearable at times. Especially when one is forced to lead a spartan life because one knows one has to move to a new place. A scooter, a TV, a fridge, a bean bag, even a utensil had to be kept on hold because we'd bemoving to Kol soon. That soon had grown from 6 months to 9 to 12. And when it came, it was a relief. Aleast temporarily. Now I could have a house of my own, well a rented one but I'd furnish it as I pleased. Every other day I'd plan the interior decor of my rented house, vacations I'd spend with my parents at home, places in Kol I'd take my parents to.
And what about the project? The main project itself was one of its kind, and my dept. was bringing another new first in the country. 9 months of planning and now we'd be doing the execution, installing and operating what we'd planned. It was so exciting to see the plant in Singur, to visit all the shops (I knew all 5 of them like the back of my hand and they're just like the blueprint), to see the lines and conveyors running according to the plan. Another important moment when our first equipments had been unpacked and installed in he first shop. I had wanted to see this new production method in actual practice. Was it really as good? And there're so many other questions, some big some small: what would be my next job responsibilities? How would I handle any problems in this new system? Will there be new people in my dept.? How will my office be? .......................
We knew about the rally starting from 24th. But then I was in denial, things would be alright, won't they? They didn't. Within 5 days the plant had closed. Inititally there had been trainings but then even those ended. People were sent to other plants, those who remained worked from guesthouses. Days gave way to weeks and then months. Initially I was excited and anxious to read the plant related news. But later they became so mundane. Something within me felt stifled and suffocated. Once again the uncertainty had come down upon us. At first I was optimistic that we'd get back to normalcy. But after a month, when nobody knew what will happen, or what's our next task, my patiencehad run over. I hated the city, the whole place. I wanted to get out of this stagnancy. No wonder then that when the pullout became official, I was rather relieved and happy, despite the knowledge that I'd once again go away from my parents, and once again lead an uncertain (time wise) life living out of my baggage.
Am back at Pune, once agian in an empty sparsely furnished flat. No TV, no scooter, half unpacked luggage strewn all over the floor. As for work, am starting it all over again. Studying new shop plans and chalking out a plan for implementing my system. And even though I try not thinking about it, I get disappointed that the previous plans couldn't get executed for no fault of ours.
People had worked hard for more than 2 years and the dream was snuffed just when it had become a reality and was about to function. And now we have to start again.
Feels like having had a still birth. |
| posted by sonik @ 3:05 PM |
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